I'm holding on to my pain

“I’m holding on to my pain.” That’s what so many people seem to be saying. In today’s world where it’s all about self-actualization, personal truth, inner focus, equal opportunity and special treatment to make sure you’re equal, we miss the point of God’s creation. God created man so He could love us and we could love Him. He created us above the animals, sorry PETA, and below Him, sorry Dalai Lama. There is a hierarchy in the world, we are not all equal some are tall others short, some athletic, some intelligent, some creative, some from loving families, others dysfunctional. The fact is we are not all equal and never will be. But we all can have a deep, loving relationship with God. If we recognize His Lordship, and our station under Him, we realize that it’s not about us, it’s about Him.

That’s where the trouble starts, if we try to have our lives centered on ourselves, then any failure in life becomes a personal failure. As a result we feel unfulfilled and out of control as the ebb and flow of the world washes over us. We’re no longer in control, but if it’s up to us, we have to find a way to control our life. Some cope well, others don’t. Enter self-destructive, albeit in control, behaviors.

A lady, we’ll call her Karen, married an often drunk ne’er do well, she’s a professional, supports the family, somehow had two kids, aborted a third. Her life is out of control, and so deliberately is her diabetes and high blood pressure; conditions that have put her in the hospital a few times. Regardless of what she says, she doesn’t eat well, exercise, check her blood sugar or take her medication. She has chosen to take control of her life by embracing her poor health and helping it grow.

Barb is another working professional out of control, but successful in cutting, burning and disfiguring herself. She’s a cutter, she refuses to go to counseling or get any help. She has a dreadful personal and family history of physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I’m not saying by any stretch that you “just get over sexual abuse.” You don’t. It stays with you forever. But with a life out of control, she chooses self-disfigurement as opposed to getting any kind of help.

Vladimir Ivanoff, played by Robin Williams in Moscow on the Hudson put it well, “When I was in Russia, I did not love my life … but I loved my misery. You know why? Because, it was my misery. I could hold it. I could caress it. I loved my misery.”

The solution is simple, but far from easy. You need to realize that first, God loves you, and second, it’s not about you. Many people can manage their lives on their own, but when things spin out of control, trying to regain control by holding onto and feeding your pain is not the answer.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”             Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)